Memoria
Pappy bundles me into
Coat scarf hat gloves winter boots
Mummy doesn’t like me wearing those
Pappy’s good lady friend got me them
All white and brown, I’m a plump Christmas pudding
Ready for eating
A steaming dumpling
An egg on legs!
Come on come on Pappy says
Waddling my way to the car
We’re going to see Nanny Cole
My pappy’s mum’s mother
She’s ancient
She’s a million years old
She’s a mummy without the wrapped around loo roll
And when she kisses you it stains your cheek
Zombie spit
Poison
We’re rolling along
A red wheewhaw whirring past
Pappy puts a middle finger up to another man driving his car
He shouts at me when I copy him
We arrive and Nanny Cole comes out
She’s alive she’s alive!
They both tell me to shush
I’m on the wooden chair
My bum is aaaaaaaching oweee
I’m kicking my heels against the legs, spiders are crawling up!
Pappy garumphs and guffaws
Telling me to be quiet
And I am
Quiet as a mouse
Nibble nibble nibble
Nanny Cole doesn’t like mice
She’s got traps everywhere
She doesn’t want them in the house
All because she doesn’t want to feed them
Nanny Jackie said that we are Jewish
I don’t really know what that means
Funny hats big hats
Singing a lot in strange voices
Are we Jewish Nanny Cole? Are we?
And she says
What did she say what did that girl say I’m not Jewish
I’m not
I’m not
Pappy coos at her
She’s just a kid she doesn’t know what she’s talking about
He flaps at me with his other hand
Shoo shoo at me a pigeon
Off I dawdle
Into the garden
Everything’s dead now in winter.
Memoria pt. II
After Joe Brainard
I remember seizures alone in my bed at night, nobody watching to see if I could breathe
I remember children calling me names in the playground and speaking to me in pointed voices
I remember blessings in the church of our holy lord, our father, our giver and taker of life, those pews were so uncomfortable
I remember my grandmother pushing my grandfather down one night when he came home drunk again, she smashed a mug into his forehead
I remember the dog nipping at my fingers through a neighbour’s post box
I remember sunshine off the coast of France
I remember my stomach hurling as I rode in airplanes, cars, boats, trains
I remember the first red stains as I approached womanhood
I remember when my father told me about what happened in my mother’s family
I remember my paternal great-grandmother denying that she was Jewish.
I remember my maternal great-grandmother hiding her wrists under long sleeves
I remember the aunt who always strayed closed but never quite belonged. She was born in unfortunate circumstances, an unwanted child.
I remember learning my tribal name for the first time
I remember finding out what happened to Pocahontas’ son.
I remember my 23&me DNA tests containing bombshell revelations.
I remember overlooking a rainforest deep in the recesses of the Australian countryside
I remember my father cradling my head.